Ten Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.

Today is a special post.  I was recently asked by a good friend, Nikki, if I wanted to take part in sharing a blogging experience.  The title, as you see above; ’10 things I’m afraid to tell you’ is a simple idea.  A group of five of us, myself, Nikki, Amy, Helen and Cassy, are sharing a post (all at the same time on our respective blogs) to tell you 10 things about ourselves that we would normally prefer to keep to ourselves.  The reason?  To show that we are real people, that we have real stories and real lives.  That we do things we are a little embarrassed about, we have done things that we may be ashamed of and that there are other things about us that are just plain weird.  I have no idea what will come out, but I do know that it will be honest and true.  I trust that the subconscious mind brings out what it needs to at the right and proper time, so I will not edit what I write.  I’m nervous, but also curious, so I’ll just get going…

*Deep breath*

• I regularly get so overwhelmed with what I am doing with my business that I break down.  I get lost and confused and feel like a fraud.  Tears and helplessness are not uncommon.  I have found that keeping a record of how far I have come helps.  I often look through my notebooks and am surprised that the answers I am looking for are written there, in my own hand.

• I have an unhealthy appetite for butter. Always salted butter.I once spent the night in a police cell. I was a student and got caught climbing over cars on the street.  I didn’t think that was an offence to be locked up for, but I certainly learnt my lesson and felt very ashamed after.  It gave me a sense of how quickly our freedom can be taken away if we are not a little careful.

• I found out a few years ago that I have a heart shaped uterus. I since had an operation to make it habitable for future little Hamleys, but we will still need ICSI (a more intrusive kind of IVF) if we want a child.  I’m still on the fence on how I feel about it all, if I want children or not.  I think that I am somehow protecting myself by not thinking about it.

• If I spend more than 30 minutes online, on social media or reading blogs, I can get REALLY depressed. The beauty of other peoples lives and the things they achieve makes me feel so inadequate.  I know that these are snapshots of peoples lives, and the parts they want to show, but I can’t help it.  My solution? Minimise internet time and get my own shit done.

• I HATE designing. I sit down and I feel as though I am fighting every second of the process. It’s like actual torture sometimes.  When I reach the final stages I start to feel free again, it all suddenly makes sense and I find peace.   This love/hate cycle will never stop, the compulsion to create is part of who I am.

• I eat cake mix.  Not just from the bowl when making cakes. I actually make cake mix to eat with a spoon.  I’ve always thought it was a weird thing to do, so I only ever do it when I am alone.  I sneakily do it and then clean up the evidence so that no one will find out. I pretty much always feel sick after it.

• Fashion scares me. I know, I know, I’m meant to love it, but it scares and confuses me.  I always feel inferior, like I don’t know enough and am not wearing the right things.  Style I love, style is personal and woven into the fabric of your soul – style is truth.

• Money has always been a problem for me, a problem I have always tried to hide. For years I have thought that I either didn’t deserve, or that I am just not good enough to earn what I need to live on.  Just thinking about money makes me feel suffocated, trapped and helpless.  I feel constantly guilty when I don’t contribute to the household financially and feel less of a person when I can’t pay my own way.  In recent months I have learnt a lot about the money blocks that I have in my own mind.  I have connected with some fabulous people that are helping me work through them.  In the last week since removing one big psychological block I have found myself a well-paid part time job, and received the biggest order in the history of working for myself.  I’m excited for the changes already taking place improving my money-mindset.

• At one of my first ever jobs I used to put things through the till at ‘members only’ prices, charge the customer full price then pocket the difference. I thought I was being really clever and not hurting anyone.  Actually, I was stealing.  I am so ashamed of my behaviour that it still bothers me today.  I think part of my ‘not deserving money mindset’ comes from the guilt I carry from that time.

 

And breathe out.  Gosh, that was cathartic and highly recommended.  Just getting some of these things out of my head and onto the screen makes them feel much more manageable, less scary.  It helps me realise that I’d like to work on ridding myself of some of these worries and unhelpful links to the past (though I doubt I’ll ever stop loving salted butter).

I would love to introduce you to the other ladies that are taking part in this post with me – please click through to their blogs below to read their posts on 10 things they are afraid to tell you.

| Nikki Loy | Cassy Fry | Amy Loves | Time to be Happy Project |

I hope these insights have inspired you – I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Love, Jen xx